One of the most common laments I hear from students over the course of the semester concerns the amount of work they “have to do.” In this brief essay, I want to preempt any temptation you might have to frame your own experiences that way. In fact, I’m going to try to convince you what I tell students; that you should always do what you want to do; avoid doing things that you have to do.
I have two basic reasons for recommending this to you. First, because you are a human being with unique capacities and opportunities for bringing light and happiness into this world, starting with yourself, and that’s exactly what we need from you. But some people never give themselves permission to do that. Hospice nurses tell us that one of the most common regrets of the dying is that they felt they lived “someone else’s life.” I don’t want you to live someone else’s life — I badly want you to live your own. That’s the one we need from you because you’re the only one who can do it. Think of yourself as a true free agent, who recognizes opportunities and selfishly seeks to take advantage of every one that comes your way.
Do not misunderstand the way I’m using the word selfish. I’m not suggesting that you use other people in a personal pursuit of pleasure. That’s not what I mean at all. But unless you’re a sociopath, that’s not how you want to live. I expect that what you really want is what most people want — to be the best version of yourself, the one that seeks personal development and fulfillment in their relationships and in their vocation. If that’s what you want, then I want you to pursue that relentlessly. And if that’s not what you want, then why not?
The second reason I recommend this is that it appears to be good psychology. It’s good for your mental health and motivation. It will help you avoid burnout and being taken advantage of by other people.
My overall objective for my students is that they value their own freedom and responsibility and know how to use it. As I often tell them, I’m convinced the biggest threat to their freedom doesn’t come from other people — it comes from inside. It isn’t normally taken from us, we to give it away!
What do we mean by “freedom?” Freedom means that you are in charge of what belongs to you — your body, your mind, your property; you “command” them. Coercion deprives us of our freedom; it means someone else has gained control over something that belongs to us. Coercion always involves a threat to take away something you’re entitled to. For example, the armed robber who says, “Give me your money or I will take your life” is using coercion. They’re not asking, they’re taking. In that case, the phrase “I have to” accurately describes your lack of control over the situation. In cases like this, and only in cases like this, you should do things because you have to. But when coercion is not involved, our choices always involve comparing something we want to something else we want — they are free choices and we should frame them that way.
You don’t “have to give your money” to the grocer who says, “Give me your money and I will give you a rotisserie chicken.” You’re choosing to because you want to. You are still in charge, and the grocer’s statement is an option, not a requirement. In the case of the robber, you have to give up your money in order to keep what belongs to you (your life!). But in the case of the grocer, you retain complete control over what belongs to you — you are completely free. True, you have to sacrifice something you value in order to gain something you value even more. But that’s an upgrade in your satisfaction, and who has to be forced into that? Most upgrades are like that — that is, they are a package deal involving both costs and benefits. But since the net benefits are positive, they should be thought of as opportunities, not requirements; they are “want tos,” not “have tos.” Knowing that the choice is truly ours to make helps us to take responsibility for them; it can help us to say yes to the things we really want most and no to the things we really don’t.
But does it really make much difference if I say, “I have to” instead of “I want to?” Don’t they amount to the same thing? Not at all. The way we talk about our work, even to ourselves, can change how we think about it. By connecting our unpleasant tasks with our core values, we can find motivation and purpose in them. So many good behaviors involve immediate painful experiences in exchange for the possibility of some vague uncertain future benefits; our brains are wired to pursue what we want NOW at the expense of what we want MOST. The language we use can “trick” our brains by generating positive emotions to what would otherwise be a painful experience. We do this by deliberately framing choices in ways that make them more attractive.
For example, let’s take a look at the “have to” versus “want to” language a student-athlete might use to frame a scheduled early morning workout:
1. “I can’t sleep in, I have to go to the gym.” Sounds like your coach is in charge!
2. “I want to get up early so that I can get stronger and perform my best.” Your subconscious gets the message that this was your idea and not your coach’s. And it’s not self-deception — you really do value those things more than you value a few minutes of extra sleep. Framing it this way helps you to form an “internal locus of control” — a key ingredient to reducing your frustration and increasing your happiness.
Developing this kind of awareness with respect to your own thinking is not easy. It does not come naturally. You have to remind yourself to do it and then do it often enough that it starts to become a habit. As you gain more and more responsibility in your work and relationships, you’ll need to rely on this way of thinking to stick to your priorities and say “no” when you need to.
Fortunately, I have never been threatened by a criminal, so I can honestly say that I never “have to” to do anything unless government requires it. Otherwise, I only do what I want to do. That doesn’t mean I only do things that are pleasurable — far from it. But in those cases when I feel like I “have to” do something, I try to reframe it with reference to my own values and goals. If I decide that it’s not worth doing, I just won’t do it.
My point is just this, keeping in mind what I said earlier about each of us wanting most to be the best version of ourselves; remember you are in charge. Whether you realize it or not, whether you like it or not, you have freedom. You don’t “have to” do anything you don’t want to do, and you shouldn’t.
About the Author
Dale Matcheck is Chair of the Economics Department at Northwood University. He authored this piece for the November 2024 edition of When Free to Choose, Northwood’s signature publication promoting free enterprise. To contact Professor Matcheck, email . Click here to receive When Free to Choose in your inbox!
